Tears

I just gave you a rather cerebral post on proprioception, and now here is a rather emotional post on... well, emotions. Specifically one called fear.

I just had a little cry, which was because I am scared. I am scared of what MS is doing to me. But I am also scared that I have something worse. I think lupus is worse. I wish those lab results would come back already! I am going to call tomorrow.

I do not know what to do what I get scared like this. Or when I get

One thing I am scared about is that I really have Lyme Disease, and I will be treated needlessly for MS. And that I will not get better.

My main fears are the usual: money and disability. How would I support myself, blah blah blah. Well, the bottom line is that there may come a day when I cannot support myself.

The funny thing is that living in a care facility or something does not scare me or freak me out. But wondering how I would pay for such a facility absolutely freaks me out.

Also, I do not want to live with either of my parents. And I do not want to live with my best friend's parents, who I know would take me in. That is mostly because I detest her father.

My other best friend would take me in, which would be ironic on so many levels. We won't go there.

My aunt offered to take me in.

It is nice that people offer, that I would not be "on the street." I suppose that I would never be on the street, since it would be due to disability rather than poverty. No doubt there are programs for people like me.

OK, I just thought of the boredom that might reign in a care facility. Now I do not know that I would be so accepting of it. Luckily it is far enough from today, and I am able to see that it may never be necessary, that it is not freaking me out too much. I am not a fan of boredom.

The thought of losing my life (while still alive) scares me. I like to ski, go to the beach, etc. I like to pick up and go where I want, even if it is just to a bookstore.

I also cry sometimes when I get frustrated. One thing that really frustrates me is when I am held to an impossibly high standard, like being expected to cook or clean or walk around a store or stand for more than a minute. Everything is so much harder than it was. Everything! Thinking, moving, feeling (physically, not emotionally), seeing, and even existing with severe pain--all hard or impossible. I am barely making it through work. I cannot do everything else that I used to do. Just showing and getting ready for work wears me out most days.

I ordered those books on MS that I found at the bookstore last weekend. One is by a psychologist who has MS herself--it's about Emotions and MS. I am really looking forward to reading it. Also one by an OT, which is about handling fatigue. And one about cognition and MS! Well, I am looking forward to reading them all.