Starting Over with Grief

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 5, trying to avoid pressure on my sciatic nerve to prevent this. But it is not only my legs; I have had some in my fingers as well.

-Tingles: 0

-Paresthesias (burning): 2, had some in my thighs and near my left thumb

-Paresthesias (other): 1, up the lateral edge of my left hand

-Numbness: 3, it begins when I sit but is not bad. However, I discovered that I cannot feel temperature with any of the fingertips on my right hand. It is the weirdest thing. I ran my fingers under my eyelids after crying and noticed a difference in sensation. I touched the water faucet. It felt neither hot nor cold. Then I touched it with my left hand, it was quite cold. I kept trying, but I could not feel the coldness with any of my right fingers, but I could feel it with all of my left fingers. I guess that is a variation on numbness.

-Vision: 3, sore eyes off and on, light sensitivity, some floaters and... drumroll please... blurred vision! Yes, thank you, thank you... What? No, it was easy to do! Take a short nap and wake up unable to make out the tree branches outside, and with halos around the letters of the closed captions on the television. Ugh, I hope this is as bad as it gets. Or if I am going to go blind, let's have it in one eye at a time, hm? OH, and I just remembered that I have not blogged something. Phosphenes. Had them Thursday night and last night. Purple and bright green lights--like the afterimpressions of a bright light shining in your eyes. But they happen in the dark, whether my eyes are closed or open. Circles and ovals and stuff. Sometimes just like dimly colored static. Pretty trippy. Too bad I am not into tripping.

-Nerve pain: 3, left leg

Motor:

-Gait: 3

-Sore muscles: 3 mostly, except for 7 during church when my left arm crapped out on me and I tried to force it to cooperate

-Fine motor: 3

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 4, gastrocs, hamstrings--new spot, where they attach to my hip bone. From anatomy stuff online, I would say that my semitondinosus muscle is giving me trouble at both origin and insertion. It is pretty tight right now.

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 2

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 0

General:

-Fatigue: 7/8

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 1, more than eight hours

-Bladder: 2

Grieving: Recognizing my vision problems, the extent of my left-sided weakness, and my sudden exhaustion this afternoon sent me back into tearfulness. I do not know what phase of the grief process that is, but I have been there before. Maybe it is related to anger. I was a little angry yesterday. I do not want to have MS.