Second Shrink Visit

I saw the shrink again today. I hope she's going to help me at some point. So far she just asks how things are going ("Did you have any doctor visits this week?"), listens, and says things like, "That must be so hard." Oh, and watches me cry. I feel like any friend could do that.

She does take notes. I wonder what she will do with that information. Hopefully help me. She did say one thing that made me think. "You've always been so compliant."

True. I'm not out to make waves. My first instinct is to do as I'm told. Be a good child. A good student clinician. A good friend/girlfriend. A good patient--accept what the doctor says.

I want to change that! At least in the context of doctors. I want to ask more questions, disagree verbally when I disagree inwardly, and generally take more ownership of my treatment. I think I have improved. I argued with Dr. Gabby until she gave in and wrote me a referral. I bugged her until she got my paperwork in to Acthar. I told her to STOP interrupting; I was not finished speaking. But it's easier to be assertive with a combative person.

Wait, that doesn't make any sense. I wonder why I can be more assertive with a combative person. And I think I can be more assertive with a person that I have little respect for. It's harder to be assertive with a rational, respectable person--in fact, I really have not disagreed with someone like that. That's why I let Dr. Ronnie walk all over me. Hm. I do need to improve.

I need to stop and think: Is this really what I want? Ask that question before I agree.

Maybe the shrink is helping. I don't know. I cried through the entire session and did not feel better afterward. Maybe that's normal and I shouldn't have the expectation of feeling better at the end of a session. I don't really know what to expect from a psychologist.

What I Need

People ask what I need or what they can do for me. I'm terrible at answering those questions.

I'm not used to needing anything from anybody. I am smart--I know a lot and can figure things out or seek out answers. I am strong--I can move stuff around and lift what I need. I am talented--I can do anything with my hands, from playing the piano to stitchery to baking. I am hard working--I have become an expert in several areas of my field and have always had side jobs in addition to my full time work. I am caring--I do a lot for friends and volunteer to babysit for people's kids. I am independent--I don't want help to get up and I like to go out and do things on my own.

I am the one you call when you need someone to teach a class, consult on an unusual kid, or accompany your solo.

Wait, change the am to was. I'm not any of those things anymore!

Shifting from being the giving one to the taking one is hard. I don't know what I need. I don't want to accept offers for dinner or stuff like that, because I need it every day. Or I don't. Ugh, I don't know. I am exhausted every day. I'm sick every day. It doesn't go away. It gets worse and better, but it doesn't go away. What difference does a dinner here and there make.

Well, I don't know, because I haven't tried it. I did enjoy when someone made me bread and someone made me sweet rolls.

I ask for prayers, and that is good. It helps. When I asked for prayers specifically to help me make treatment decisions, I found some good resources and was able to figure out what I want. I think!

I think one problem is that I don't really understand what "need" means. I want to continue doing everything, even if it kills me. I go and go until I'm in tears. If I can do it, I don't need help. Maybe I should consider that if something is so hard that it takes all my energy to do it, I do need help.

Yesterday my visiting teachers asked what they can do for me. Instead of saying, "Oh, nothing, I'm fine," I asked them just to check in with me every now and then. I felt oddly empowered, I guess because I knew what to ask for. And I knew that I was asking for something that really would help me.

Yesterday evening someone emailed to say that I had looked tired at church, and she wanted to make sure I was OK. I was touched and felt so much love from her message.

It was amazing how that email made me feel. Someone had noticed me! I am all alone in my insane body, but that made me feel a bit less lonely. And I realized that I had told my visiting teachers the right thing: checking in with an email or text reminds me that people are out there who care.

I told the sweet woman who emailed that what I really need is love and friendship. And prayers.

So after four months, I've finally realized what I need. I guess I'm a slow learner.