Relief!

Although I had another hard day, one thing made it a bit easier to bear. When I got there, my favorite coworker, a great friend, made a beeline for me and said she had solved my heat problem. I asked how, of course. We had spent a lot of time discussing that problem on Monday, and I really was not sure what to do. Although that teacher is a nice person, she seemed to have strong feelings about keeping her classroom hot.

My friend said that she had sat down with that teacher and said, "Someone on our team has heat intolerance. When she is hot, she becomes physically sick." The teacher immediately said that people can turn the temperature down in her room any time.

What a relief! I know that Heavenly Father answered my prayer through my friend. Although my day was still insanely difficult, and I feel just awful, keeping the temperature reasonable helped my cognition and emotions. I did an awesome job troubleshooting a little darling's hearing device (got it working!) and teaching my sweet children.

Blessings

It is so neat how things work out sometimes, and I know that they work out because the Lord takes such a strong interest in my life. I know that he loves me very much.

And I know that blessings come from trying to do the right thing. Or doing the right thing!

I am in debt right now from buying my home and from medical bills. I never expected to buy a home last year, but it ended up happening. I signed knowing that I could not exactly afford this place. And oddly, the bank signed knowing that I could not exactly afford this place. I was way over ratio. Nevertheless, I paid my tithing and in December began paying fast offerings as well. About two weeks after I paid my first fast offering, I got a call from the fantastic guy who did the finances on my purchase last summer. He explained that interest rates had dropped enough that it would be worth my while to refinance. When I looked at the numbers, he was absolutely right. I would recoup the fees after a few months and then be able to save money--and by "save," I mean put it toward my debt.

And then he commented that I had a huge balance in my escrow account. He had run the numbers over and over, and he could not figure out how I had so much money. I will get that back after that bank figures things out.

So financially, I may be able to breathe easier soon. I am considering the sparrows and lilies, trusting that the Lord will take care of me.

After having a conversation with the ophthalmologist about the possibility of blood sugar causing my blurry vision, I came home just in time to receive my visiting teacher... who has diabetes run in her family and turned out to be an expert on nutrition, at least related to managing blood sugar.

And of course my job has worked out in so many ways, I cannot begin to say. I am really trying to get everything done but still feel like I am drowning. My head keeps going under, and I keep fighting to keep my little nose above the waves. But I am feeling better about it since getting a blessing that told me to do my best at work and the Lord would make up the rest.

I am trying to worry less and trust more.

Being Happy Now

I was so glad to be well enough to go to church today. My spirit was lifted by the wonderful meetings we had, especially the RS lesson.

Although my left arm crapped out on my during RS! It was just not cooperating, and trying to force it to work was just making it sore. Finally I gave up and signed with my right arm only. That was better for my left, but hard on my right, because I carry more tension when I sign one handed. That one hand needs to be very accurate--no room for sloppiness that can be acceptable with normal, two-handed signing. Yeah, so that stunk, but...

I still enjoyed the lesson so much.

I cried while sharing an experience with my deaf friend (privately, not aloud), but the story was not related to my MS. I think I will share that one on my regular blog.

Still, I have applicable thoughts to MS. One thing that was brought up was the importance of being happy now. This is a touchy subject on the MS forum, because it is easy to have a negative perspective about life or to be discouraged when you have an unpredictable, incurable, degenerative disease.

I certainly get discouraged. I have been very discouraged for the last three days, because I am getting worse again. My eye was hurting during RS, and I am sensitive to light. And having trouble focusing my eyes. And let's not even get into the pain and discomfort of pins and needles or numbness, which is increasing.

But I try to remember that I am probably going to get worse. You would think that would make it worse, but I do not mean that I dwell on the dark days that lie ahead. I mean that by recognizing that things will probably get worse, I can say to myself, this is as good as it gets. Recognize it. Enjoy it.

If things get better, great! I will enjoy that. But I cannot count on things getting better, so I might as well enjoy the things I have or am able to do right now.

I want to check and see if I can play the organ. Honestly, I doubt that I can. I played the piano one day last week, and three or four songs absolutely exhausted me. The organ requires so much more, physically. Balancing on the bench. Coordinating arms and legs--well, more like fingers and feet. Cognitive skills for reading the music. Attention! Sometimes I let my mind wander, and then I lose my place in the music.

However, if I have the ability to play the organ now or in the future, I would like to do it. Use my skills while I have them. I am unfortunately very unreliable, so I do not know if I could have that as a calling. But I could sub. Or work something out with the person who normally plays--she would not mind having help. I suppose that it would exhaust me, and I might not be able to interpret... I guess I would have to see how it goes.

For the last month I have hemmed and hawed, but earlier this week I went ahead and bought (okay, charged) a season pass that works for a few little ski places nearby. I skied once a couple of years ago, and then last year I bought a season pass and went often. I went from struggling on greens to being comfortable on blacks. I did double blacks for a challenge. Steeps, not moguls. It was awesome. And now I am so, so glad that I went often and developed those skills. I love skiing. I mean, LOVE. This year, my goal will be to ski at least on greens or easy blues. If I can ski a regular blue, I will be so happy. If I can ski a black, that would be out of this world. I am going to appreciate anything I can do, and I am going to try to keep any skills that I have for as long as possible.

I learned this lesson a few years ago, when I found an old picture of myself and a baby, who is now eight years old. I remember that time, that I was insecure about my appearance. Looking at that picture now, my goodness, I was so thin! I wasted my thin years with my lack of appreciation. Right now I am 20 pounds above where I was at that time. But I am more than 20 pounds below my highest weight, so I like my current size!

Being happy now requires conscious effort. I think it is all about counting your blessings. When you recognize how much you have, how can you not be happy?

A Miracle

The room where I often work is in an area of the building that is often warm, because some whiny, perimenopausal women want it that way. It is too warm for my liking. I had a lot of trouble with this last year. I didn't know at the time that I had MS, and that my MS does not like heat.

My room has an AC/heat unit on the wall, as many rooms do. Maybe they worked for individual temperature control many years ago, when the place was built, but it is a well-known fact that they do not work now. I had tried messing with mine last year with no luck.

Today I walked in and was hit with a wave of heat upon entering that area. Talk about frustrating. How can I work in that environment?

I went straight to the wall unit to make sure cool air was coming out, that the building had not yet been switched over to heat. Cool air was weakly streaming from it.

I opened the control box. There was a knob. Off, high, medium, low. I tried to turn it. It didn't budge. I tried harder... and it bonked one notch to the left.

The airflow increased! And it was cool air!

I tested turning the knob one more notch to the left. The airflow increased yet again. Now it was set to high, and it felt that way.

When I left the room to make my lunch and came back, it was nice and cool in there. The rest of the area was like a sauna, but I had an oasis.

Yes, a miracle.

Listening to the Spirit Makes My Life Better

On Monday morning, I was running late as usual, and I grabbed my breakfast and my morning pills to go. I tossed a gabapentin in my lunch bag, also as usual. I take it three times each day now.

Then I had the thought that I should put a few gabapentin pills into the little container I keep in my purse. Ibuprofen pills live there. Immodium did until I began needing it so often that it was just easier to keep the Immodium bottle in there. I thought the gabapentin pills would be too large for the little container, but a few of them fit just fine.

On Tuesday, when I held and comforted Little Doll, I stayed very late at her school. I had planned to run home for lunch after that and take my pill. I ended up not having time, so I had to skip lunch. But I can't skip my pill! I mean, I'm sure I wouldn't die. But I really shouldn't skip it.

I remembered that little container of pills, which now held three gabapentin tablets. When I left Little Doll's school, I took one and went straight to my next stop.

Because I had listened to the spirit the day before, I was able to relax and comfort Little Doll (and myself) without worrying about my medicine. No stress. Just rocking.

A Little Doll Was Just What I Needed

I work with preschoolers. I was at the school of my favorite little girl this afternoon. (I guess I should be neutral, but I can't help it, she's my favorite.) We played, and she was just all over me today with hugs and wanting me to hold her, etc. Sweet. When it was time for the class to play outside, I buckled Little Doll into her helmet and sent her off to ride a tricycle. I sat at the little snack table to write a note to her mom. 

About five minutes later, the classroom assistant came in carrying a crying and bloody Little Doll. She had taken a tumble. The assistant sat her next to me and tried to clean the many scrapes and cuts on her face, hands, and arms. Doll was so brave. At one point, the assistant went to answer the door. When she left, Little Doll hung her head and just sobbed. She looked so tiny and fragile, alone in her chair. I know that feeling too well: I'm in pain, I'm overwhelmed, and all I can do is cry. 

I sat her on my lap and distracted her by talking about the artwork in the room, the birthday calendar, whatever came to mind. 

When she was mostly cleaned up and had an ice pack in her mouth, the assistant called her mom. I continued to comfort Little Doll, who was oozing a variety of bodily fluids. Poor kid. She leaned her little head on me. A parent volunteer started setting up the snack, so we moved to the teacher's rocking chair. 

And there we stayed, waiting for Mom for the next 20 minutes. Kids came and I fielded their questions. The assistant offered to take Little Doll, knowing that I should have left more than 30 minutes before. Doll refused to go to anyone else. I think a lot of adults (myself included) could learn something from her honesty, saying what we need rather than, "I'm OK..." Mom came in and found us still rocking, just being. She thanked me for staying to comfort Little Doll. 

Later Mom emailed me to thank me for snuggling Doll until she got there, that Doll loves me. 

This experience really touched me. It taught me that as much as I'm struggling right now, I still have so much to give. I think I got more comfort from this experience than Doll did. Sometimes we get just what we need to make our pain bearable, and I think that was true for both Doll and me today. 

Count Them One by One

Yes, I'm counting my blessings. It's a good idea to stop and do that every now and again.

At the top of my list is Sister Libby. She responded very kindly to my email.

I got a bonus from work that helped offset the amount I put down on the condo I just bought.

Being in a new ward. It's so, so hard for me to refrain from comparing it to my old ward. Let's just say that it compares favorably.

Having a job, as much as I dislike my employer. I work for an agency that contracts with a school district. The agency stinks... but the school district is great.

My boss at the school district. This year she noticed me, which enabled me to work during the summer (which I needed) and keep my position for the fall. That is absolutely not a given--she's under pressure to hire all her own people and get rid of the contractual people. She could if she wanted to.

My brain stopped working. Darn it. Well, I'm grateful for the blessing I can't remember, too.