Being Happy Now

I was so glad to be well enough to go to church today. My spirit was lifted by the wonderful meetings we had, especially the RS lesson.

Although my left arm crapped out on my during RS! It was just not cooperating, and trying to force it to work was just making it sore. Finally I gave up and signed with my right arm only. That was better for my left, but hard on my right, because I carry more tension when I sign one handed. That one hand needs to be very accurate--no room for sloppiness that can be acceptable with normal, two-handed signing. Yeah, so that stunk, but...

I still enjoyed the lesson so much.

I cried while sharing an experience with my deaf friend (privately, not aloud), but the story was not related to my MS. I think I will share that one on my regular blog.

Still, I have applicable thoughts to MS. One thing that was brought up was the importance of being happy now. This is a touchy subject on the MS forum, because it is easy to have a negative perspective about life or to be discouraged when you have an unpredictable, incurable, degenerative disease.

I certainly get discouraged. I have been very discouraged for the last three days, because I am getting worse again. My eye was hurting during RS, and I am sensitive to light. And having trouble focusing my eyes. And let's not even get into the pain and discomfort of pins and needles or numbness, which is increasing.

But I try to remember that I am probably going to get worse. You would think that would make it worse, but I do not mean that I dwell on the dark days that lie ahead. I mean that by recognizing that things will probably get worse, I can say to myself, this is as good as it gets. Recognize it. Enjoy it.

If things get better, great! I will enjoy that. But I cannot count on things getting better, so I might as well enjoy the things I have or am able to do right now.

I want to check and see if I can play the organ. Honestly, I doubt that I can. I played the piano one day last week, and three or four songs absolutely exhausted me. The organ requires so much more, physically. Balancing on the bench. Coordinating arms and legs--well, more like fingers and feet. Cognitive skills for reading the music. Attention! Sometimes I let my mind wander, and then I lose my place in the music.

However, if I have the ability to play the organ now or in the future, I would like to do it. Use my skills while I have them. I am unfortunately very unreliable, so I do not know if I could have that as a calling. But I could sub. Or work something out with the person who normally plays--she would not mind having help. I suppose that it would exhaust me, and I might not be able to interpret... I guess I would have to see how it goes.

For the last month I have hemmed and hawed, but earlier this week I went ahead and bought (okay, charged) a season pass that works for a few little ski places nearby. I skied once a couple of years ago, and then last year I bought a season pass and went often. I went from struggling on greens to being comfortable on blacks. I did double blacks for a challenge. Steeps, not moguls. It was awesome. And now I am so, so glad that I went often and developed those skills. I love skiing. I mean, LOVE. This year, my goal will be to ski at least on greens or easy blues. If I can ski a regular blue, I will be so happy. If I can ski a black, that would be out of this world. I am going to appreciate anything I can do, and I am going to try to keep any skills that I have for as long as possible.

I learned this lesson a few years ago, when I found an old picture of myself and a baby, who is now eight years old. I remember that time, that I was insecure about my appearance. Looking at that picture now, my goodness, I was so thin! I wasted my thin years with my lack of appreciation. Right now I am 20 pounds above where I was at that time. But I am more than 20 pounds below my highest weight, so I like my current size!

Being happy now requires conscious effort. I think it is all about counting your blessings. When you recognize how much you have, how can you not be happy?