MS Makes Me a Crappy Friend

A friend of mine is struggling with one of her kids. I had told her last week that I wanted to get together this week, and she emailed me back to ask if Tuesday or Wednesday would be better. That questions was confusing to me. I understood it. But I did not know how to answer it.

First I had to think: days of the week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. What do I do? I have something on Wednesday afternoon. But that does not mean that all of Wednesday is out. I will have to shift the things I normally do on Wednesday to other days... And that was where my mental train went off the tracks. My thoughts just disintegrated. I tried several times, over several days, to answer that question. But it was like a complicated logic problem.

If all sniffs are ifs, but no ifs are whiffs, and some sniffs are ifs, and some sniff are biffs, but no whiffs are biffs and...

I knew that I needed to answer this friend's email, but I did not. Three days went by. Then I had a moment of clarity and realized that I could absolutely see her on Tuesday. I did not know why that was not apparent before. And I realized that I should have given her some answer, just to let her know that I wanted to see her and was aware that I needed to tell her when. I realized that I could have used my calendar or a pencil and paper to figure it out.

So I emailed the friend and told her when on Tuesday would work for me. This was Monday afternoon, I think. She responded that she was no longer available on Tuesday.

I felt like a terrible friend. How would I feel if someone knew I was going through a rough time, said they were coming over to hang out and maybe help, and then ignored my email for three days?

One of my best friends had a birthday yesterday. We celebrated on Sunday with a few people. I remembered to tell her happy birthday yesterday morning, which I hailed as a major achievement.

When I got home from work, I immediately changed into pajamas and came downstairs to veg on the couch, as usual. My friend looked at what I was wearing and said, "Oh, I guess we're not going anywhere?" Of course, she wanted to go out for her birthday, just us! I offered to go somewhere with her (and did not mention the excruciating pain in my legs), but she said no, I was obviously too tired. We could go out another time.

I do not know why anyone would want to be friends with me right now. I am seriously a crappy friend. Even if I remember to call or email or meet someone, I am usually too tired to do anything fun. I am such a downer these days.

I really want to be a good friend, but I cannot. I feel like I just take and take, without giving back. This is the opposite of how I normally operate. It is so frustrating.