Sort of Wanting to Give Up

I have felt sick. Fatigued, but also an indescribable "something is starting" feeling. Like when you are "coming down with something." Feeling crappy.

I was planning to call my neurologist, but I accidentally left my phone at home today. Maybe I will call him tomorrow.

I did not get the lab and MRI orders in the mail today. Hopefully tomorrow.

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 3

-Tingles: 0

-Paresthesias (burning): 3, left foot, some on thighs (both?)

-Paresthesias (other): 0

-Numbness: 4, fingertips half numb--esp. right, left baby toe (as always), left heel, a bit of right heel (long time), and my left leg when I sit. Woke up with a numb right arm, as it has done the last few nights (*new*).

-Vision: 3, still light sensitive. My eyes hurt a few times. Hard to focus, especially as I get tired (which is more often). Blurry. Minimal floaters (did not bother me).

-Nerve pain: 3, left leg

Motor:

-Gait: 2

-Sore muscles: 2

-Fine motor: 3

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 2

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 2

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 1

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 7

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 4, eight hours but broken--I woke up at least five times

-Bladder: 2, one tiny leak, the usual trouble getting started

Grieving: I cried some this morning. I really do not want to have MS. I am trying to process how unreliable I am. I want to volunteer to perform at the ward Christmas party or on Christmas Sunday, but what if I am sick that day? It has been five months of a totally screwed up life. I suppose it could go two more. Hopefully I will be on medicine before that, but it takes a while to work. If it is going to work.

This morning I kind of wanted to give up.