MS Makes Me a Crappy Friend

A friend of mine is struggling with one of her kids. I had told her last week that I wanted to get together this week, and she emailed me back to ask if Tuesday or Wednesday would be better. That questions was confusing to me. I understood it. But I did not know how to answer it.

First I had to think: days of the week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. What do I do? I have something on Wednesday afternoon. But that does not mean that all of Wednesday is out. I will have to shift the things I normally do on Wednesday to other days... And that was where my mental train went off the tracks. My thoughts just disintegrated. I tried several times, over several days, to answer that question. But it was like a complicated logic problem.

If all sniffs are ifs, but no ifs are whiffs, and some sniffs are ifs, and some sniff are biffs, but no whiffs are biffs and...

I knew that I needed to answer this friend's email, but I did not. Three days went by. Then I had a moment of clarity and realized that I could absolutely see her on Tuesday. I did not know why that was not apparent before. And I realized that I should have given her some answer, just to let her know that I wanted to see her and was aware that I needed to tell her when. I realized that I could have used my calendar or a pencil and paper to figure it out.

So I emailed the friend and told her when on Tuesday would work for me. This was Monday afternoon, I think. She responded that she was no longer available on Tuesday.

I felt like a terrible friend. How would I feel if someone knew I was going through a rough time, said they were coming over to hang out and maybe help, and then ignored my email for three days?

One of my best friends had a birthday yesterday. We celebrated on Sunday with a few people. I remembered to tell her happy birthday yesterday morning, which I hailed as a major achievement.

When I got home from work, I immediately changed into pajamas and came downstairs to veg on the couch, as usual. My friend looked at what I was wearing and said, "Oh, I guess we're not going anywhere?" Of course, she wanted to go out for her birthday, just us! I offered to go somewhere with her (and did not mention the excruciating pain in my legs), but she said no, I was obviously too tired. We could go out another time.

I do not know why anyone would want to be friends with me right now. I am seriously a crappy friend. Even if I remember to call or email or meet someone, I am usually too tired to do anything fun. I am such a downer these days.

I really want to be a good friend, but I cannot. I feel like I just take and take, without giving back. This is the opposite of how I normally operate. It is so frustrating.

Great Day's Numbers

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 1

-Tingles: 1

-Paresthesias (burning): 1 :) Just showed up for a little while this afternoon as I was due to take my next pill

-Paresthesias (other): 1 some random vibrations in my feet depending on position

-Numbness: 1

-Vision: 1, definitely have less floaters, just hard to focus sometimes

-Nerve pain: 2, woot woot

Motor:

-Gait: 2?

-Sore muscles: 0

-Fine motor: 3, realized that opening packaging and unwrapping things count under this. Oops.

-Weak muscles: 3?

-Twitches: none

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 3

-Memory: 4

-Attention: 1

-Confusion: 3

-Impulsivity: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 4, worked full 8 hours and only hit a low for a few hours in the evening--a lot of the day I felt normal

-Balance: 4

-Sleep: 3, got 7.5 hours

-Bladder: 3.. or 4.. was really trickly this afternoon

-Anxiety: 0

Grieving: I'm feeling frustrated with my cognition today. Forgetting things sucks. Losing thoughts sucks.

So cognition was not good today, but everything else was. Um, except bladder and balance, which remain unchanged. I think gabapentin is totally rocking with my sensory stuff and my spasticity, and those impact pain. And it helps with fatigue? Or very coincidental. I'm not complaining.

Tuckered Out

We went back to the grocery store and shopped 'til I dropped. I wore. My. Self. Out. My body is begging for sleep, but I don't want to take a nap at 4:30.

I'm done having MS. I appreciate the experience, but I'll take my old body back, thanks. I remember when the biggest body worry I had was being fat. I didn't know how good I had it!