Still Here

Last night I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 2:00 am! Again! I don't know why I wake up between 2:00 and 4:00 every morning. I'm still exhausted. I don't have racing thoughts, just regular thoughts. It's becoming really frustrating, because I'm tired enough as it is. I tried and tried to go back to sleep. And I did! Around 4:00 am. I woke up a couple of times but kept going back to sleep until 7:00. That is so awesome. I was oddly proud of myself for being able to get back to sleep.

Then I felt awful, like having the flu. And of course my back hurt. At 9:00, my friend sent me upstairs with orders to sleep more. I was discouraged and depressed. I wanted to give up. I sort of dozed... and then I slept! Not straight through, but off and on until noon!

Oh, I felt so much better. I woke up feeling clear headed, with a little bit of energy. Then my phone started buzzing. It was my bishop! He was pulling into my parking lot. Yikes, because I hadn't showered since yesterday morning, but I really needed some company. I was happy he called.

We talked for a long time. About an hour, I think. I told him what has been going on, and we talked about some other stuff. I love my bishop. I felt a little guilty that he spent so much time with me, because I'm sure his family misses him. But talking with him was so good for me.

People ask me what I need or what they can do for me. I don't know what I need, and I don't know how to ask for it even if I did know. I think I just need company for now. I need someone to talk to and cry with. This is a scary time for me. I don't want to be in a wheelchair. I don't want to go blind. I don't want to have MS. I was wondering why I want company when I have my sister and friend here, but I realized that what I need are people who aren't in it. My sister and friend are going through their own grief stages.

But I am seeing good in this situation. I'm close to the Lord right now. I want to go to the temple so badly, but I don't know if I can. It was so rough last time. Maybe if I have a temple buddy.

Other good things are coming from this, too. I guess I'm the carrot in the boiling water, not the egg. ;-)

Today was the first time I felt depressed about it. I've been tearful and hopeful and scared and grateful and many things. Sometimes just numb. Shell-shocked. Getting the news and having the lumbar puncture back to back was probably not the best thing. Or maybe it was. It's all so real now. I have to deal with this.

Well, I am healing from the LP, slowly but surely. I sat up for the first 10 minutes the bishop was here. Record breaking! Then my back was hurting too much to sit, but at least I didn't have the electric shocks. I took a shower--it's nice to feel clean now. I'm just getting through. I'm glad I don't have a lot of work to do this weekend. I have to write one progress note, which I'll do this afternoon if I remember. I keep forgetting stuff today. My mind is not very organized.