Rolling Downhill

I've been reading information from the National MS Society (great website) off and on this afternoon. It's fine sometimes and upsetting sometimes.

When it talks about managing problems that I haven't encountered, I feel anxiety and fear. And when I noticed that many of the people in the bright, happy MS people pictures were in wheelchairs, I became very upset. I cried. I was just thinking that I don't want MS.

When it talks about managing problems that I have now, I am calm and extremely interested. I want the advice. The article on sleep disturbances was great. It looks like I'm already doing some things right, like using visualization. I'll try others. And my instinct that I don't know if I should accept pharmaceuticals (if they're even offered) seems to have been a good one.

Aside from that, I had an alright day. I was pretty tired despite lying on the couch all day. I did get up and make dinner--pork chops, mm. Although I can now sit up for more than 20 minutes, I get a spinal headache when I do. So I've been lying down all day. I did drink an ounce or two of Red Bull when it was really bad, and I've taken ibuprofen all day.

I really wanted to take a walk today, because I've been cooped up in the house for three days now. I'm so bored. This evening I went for a walk around the block with my sister and friend. Unfortunately I overdid it. We slowly walked for about 20 minutes, and I was having trouble keeping moving after the first 10. I arrived home and collapsed. I felt so sick. I think I will not exercise again until I'm out of this exacerbation.

Maybe coincidentally, maybe not, I've been struggling with spastic muscles this evening. My calves are the worst, feeling half clenched all the time and sometimes fully clenched. Quick spasms. It's not terribly painful, just very uncomfortable. I got my friend to massage my calves for a while, which helped. Then I tried massaging myself, because my right leg needed more, but that tired out my arms. That makes me laugh.

I'll be tearing my hair out tomorrow, because I don't have to work due to power outages in the area. I really wanted to go to work tomorrow, to take my mind off the MS, to see some little people that I love, and to give me something to do. I don't want to be bored, because I'm afraid I'll get depressed. But I can't do anything right now!