Still Here

Got a blood patch. It worked. Not fun--basically a second spinal tap. But so, so worth it, because my headache is gone.


I'm sleeping 4-5 hours per night, which is probably making me crazy. Despite being absolutely worn out yesterday and getting home late last night, I slept 12:30-4:30... and couldn't go back to sleep. I've been up since 4:30! I want to sleep!


The neurologist on call prescribed Ambien. I'm kind of nervous to take it, but I'm going to give it a try tonight. I can't function like this.


I really think that the lack of sleep is preventing me from feeling better. Let's do the symptom scores:


Sensory problems:
-Pins and needles: 2--right foot, that's all
-Hypersensitivity: 6
-Paresthesias: 2
-Numbness: 2--just a bit on my right foot and fingertips


Motor problems:
-Gait: 3
-Sore muscles: 6 (not including my back--separating blood patch side effect from MS symptoms)
-Fine motor: 2--writing
-Weak muscles: 7


Cognitive problems:
-Language processing: 2
-Memory: 2
-Attention (adding this one): 3--trying not to, but missing things that are said to me because I'm not listening for a second.. or more than a second


General problems:
-Fatigue: 7 (amazingly... it definitely was worse yesterday, but I'm being honest that it's a 7 today)
-Balance: 2--sway when I stand still, mild trouble with direction changes
-Sleep (adding this one): 8--four hours is unacceptable--MS info says ten is more like it


New problems!
-Vision: 2--I have some "floaters" (a nurse friend said that's what they're called)
-Bladder: 2--trouble initiating, trouble getting it all out--better today but has been rough sometimes this week
-Anxiety? Is this why I'm not sleeping?


As you can see, the sensory problems are much better, aside from hypersensitivity. The numbness and pins and needles are back where they belong: right foot and hand. My gait is not terrible despite being tired. My muscles are sore, but that might be from walking around while tired. I think the main problem is fatigue, and certainly some of that is from sleep deprivation.


I'm wondering if I am experiencing anxiety. I thought that anxiety means nervous, super duper worried, racing thoughts, paranoia, etc. Maybe I had the wrong idea. I think it is normal to feel anxious after having been given a diagnosis without follow up information or care. I'm going through all these tests... My arms look like a drug addict's... I'm all strung out on no sleep...


Why can't I sleep? I go to bed and fall asleep okay. I wake up during the night, which is normal for me--I'll wake up once or twice and go back to sleep. The problem is that now I don't go back to sleep. If I wake up during the night, I'm up. Not up and walking around but up and awake. I think, of course, but not "racing thoughts." Just normal thoughts. What will I do today, I need to remember such and such for work, remember when such and such happened. And of course I think about MS and what I want to ask the doctor. But it's not like I'm unusually worried or crying or anything. I do plenty of crying, but not in the middle of the night.


But maybe this is anxiety. Maybe I have too much on me right now. I guess I would be willing to try an anti-anxiety medication. I really don't want to become dependent on Ambien.