Feelings

I was just reading that people who express their feelings do better with serious illnesses. I think I've done some of that here, but I have loads of feelings that I can go ahead and express. And I have little filter at this point--too tired and sick.

I'm angry because my life is so hard right now.

I'm frustrated that I can't do most of the things I normally do. The things I can do right now are compromised--even if I can do them, I can't do them like usual.

I'm frustrated that I can't keep my thoughts in my head.

I'm scared that my doctor isn't doing what needs to be done for me to feel better.

I'm scared that I will keep getting sicker.

I'm scared that I don't really have MS, that I have something worse.

I'm lonely, because my friends and family don't really know what I am going through. Words can't fully convey it.

I'm frustrated/scared that I won't be able to do all the things I like to do, like skiing.

I'm embarrassed to be worried about something as trivial as skiing.

I'm embarrassed that my faith isn't stronger, because I haven't healed myself and sometimes I've really let this get to me.

I'm scared to try to heal myself, because I'm afraid I won't react well if I fail.

I'm frustrated that I can't sleep sometimes. I need sleep more than ever.

I'm scared that I am not or will not make the right choices for treatment.

I'm scared that if I keep track of my symptoms, bug the doctors, etc., I'm relying too much on the arm of flesh and not trusting God.

I'm scared that I will not be able to pay my bills.

I'm scared that people will think I'm a whiner or attention seeker.

I'm frustrated that as soon as I recognized and appreciated my strengths they were decimated. Alright, maybe not decimated. But certainly decreased.

I'm frustrated that I can't find the word I want. Decreased isn't exactly right.

I'm scared that I am crazy. Or somewhat crazy.

*****

I'm sure that many of these feelings and fears will seem silly tomorrow, or maybe I'll look at them and think that I really don't feel that way at all.

I paid bills while writing this. Ugh. I feel better to have that off my back.

Maybe expressing negative feelings does help. I think I feel better. I mean, I still have vertigo... my left leg is partially numb... my throat hurts... etc... But I feel calmer. Maybe. I should probably stop fighting my feelings and just let them happen.

OK, I'm going to try to sleep now. Now that it's getting to be morning. Should be an interesting day.