Sick

I feel really sick. Like my head is heavy.

My vision is worse today.

I do not understand why some days are so much worse than others. Maybe I did too much yesterday? Or maybe it is random.

Doing Better

Today was better than yesterday across the board.

I avoided sitting as much as possible, as compression of the sciatic nerve makes the burning worse. I have been sleeping on my stomach for a few weeks now because of this.

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 2

-Tingles: 1

-Paresthesias (burning): 6

-Paresthesias (other): 1

-Numbness: 3, hands, feet

-Vision: 3, no change

-Nerve pain: 5

Motor:

-Gait: 1

-Sore muscles: 2

-Fine motor: 2

-Weak muscles: 4

-Spasticity: 2

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 1

-Memory: 1, but I am beginning to wonder if I am the best judge of this. Three times today I had people say, "I just told you..." or "Remember I said..." And I did not talk to that many people!

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 3

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 5, seven hours altogether, but that included waking up several times and staying up for at least an hour one time. I had had a very odd dream, which I wanted to think about. 

-Bladder: 2, I noticed that any little leaks are with "stress" situations (not emotional stress). But it only happened twice today anyway.

PAIN

Oh my gosh. I do not know if I spent too much time sitting on the floor or in little plastic chairs, but my feet are killing me. It is hard to express this kind of pain with words. I have said that it is like walking in the snow barefoot, which I guess is the closest thing. Freezing/burning. It is truly awful. Plus my left sciatic nerve is killing me with the burning and regular old nerve pain.

I am afraid the gabapentin is not working anymore or that the pain has increased to the point that the gabapentin cannot cover it.

So that is how my afternoon and evening have been. I hope I can sleep.

And I still have not received my lab and MRI orders!! I am planning to call tomorrow.

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 5, some in my legs and were bad in my feet before they turned to burning

-Tingles: 1

-Paresthesias (burning): 8, feet, especially left. And down left sciatic nerve. And front of thighs, mainly left.

-Paresthesias (other): 2, electric prickles in my left leg, bugs crawling on left leg (both feelings on back and lateral side of thigh)

-Numbness: 3, hands, feet

-Vision: 3, kind of blurry, hard to focus, halos around some things (light colored things like paper)

-Nerve pain: 7

Motor:

-Gait: 2

-Sore muscles: 3, quads

-Fine motor: 2

-Weak muscles: 4

-Spasticity: 2, quads, calves

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 1? I know that I misunderstood something today, but I am not sure what else. I think typing email was not too bad.

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 5

-Balance: 2, still rough in the mornings and if I get up in the middle of the night

-Sleep: 4, seven hours

-Bladder: 2, it's a'ight

Still In It

Well, neurologically I am not doing well, but at least I am not too tired! So I had a good day.

I did not call my neurologist, because A. I am lazy, and B. I am tired of not being believed. Just not in the mood for that.

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 3, legs and right arm

-Tingles: 1

-Paresthesias (burning): 2, feet

-Paresthesias (other): 3, lots of electric prickles in my left leg

-Numbness: 3, left leg and right arm (*NEW*), plus the usual places

-Vision: 3, kind of blurry, hurting

-Nerve pain: 2

Motor:

-Gait: 3, bouncy, uneven, painful--I think it is from the spasticity and weakness

-Sore muscles: 4, lower right calf (coming from achilles tendon), quads (esp. left)

-Fine motor: 2

-Weak muscles: 4, I think right arm is getting weak. Right leg a little weaker, needing to put the car into park at red lights again.

-Spasticity: 4, right achilles tendon was bad, also feeling it in gastrocs (right worse) and semitendinosis (again right worse). 

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 2, I totally did not understand something that was said to me today at work. And having trouble with written expression, using the wrong words. Like suppose instead of support. Emails take longer, because I check and recheck.

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 0

General:

-Fatigue: 4

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 2, eight hours and only woke up a couple of times

-Bladder: 2, the usual trickliness, and I think no leaks. Trying to remember. Maybe one?

Sort of Wanting to Give Up

I have felt sick. Fatigued, but also an indescribable "something is starting" feeling. Like when you are "coming down with something." Feeling crappy.

I was planning to call my neurologist, but I accidentally left my phone at home today. Maybe I will call him tomorrow.

I did not get the lab and MRI orders in the mail today. Hopefully tomorrow.

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 3

-Tingles: 0

-Paresthesias (burning): 3, left foot, some on thighs (both?)

-Paresthesias (other): 0

-Numbness: 4, fingertips half numb--esp. right, left baby toe (as always), left heel, a bit of right heel (long time), and my left leg when I sit. Woke up with a numb right arm, as it has done the last few nights (*new*).

-Vision: 3, still light sensitive. My eyes hurt a few times. Hard to focus, especially as I get tired (which is more often). Blurry. Minimal floaters (did not bother me).

-Nerve pain: 3, left leg

Motor:

-Gait: 2

-Sore muscles: 2

-Fine motor: 3

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 2

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 2

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 1

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 7

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 4, eight hours but broken--I woke up at least five times

-Bladder: 2, one tiny leak, the usual trouble getting started

Grieving: I cried some this morning. I really do not want to have MS. I am trying to process how unreliable I am. I want to volunteer to perform at the ward Christmas party or on Christmas Sunday, but what if I am sick that day? It has been five months of a totally screwed up life. I suppose it could go two more. Hopefully I will be on medicine before that, but it takes a while to work. If it is going to work.

This morning I kind of wanted to give up.

Starting Over with Grief

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 5, trying to avoid pressure on my sciatic nerve to prevent this. But it is not only my legs; I have had some in my fingers as well.

-Tingles: 0

-Paresthesias (burning): 2, had some in my thighs and near my left thumb

-Paresthesias (other): 1, up the lateral edge of my left hand

-Numbness: 3, it begins when I sit but is not bad. However, I discovered that I cannot feel temperature with any of the fingertips on my right hand. It is the weirdest thing. I ran my fingers under my eyelids after crying and noticed a difference in sensation. I touched the water faucet. It felt neither hot nor cold. Then I touched it with my left hand, it was quite cold. I kept trying, but I could not feel the coldness with any of my right fingers, but I could feel it with all of my left fingers. I guess that is a variation on numbness.

-Vision: 3, sore eyes off and on, light sensitivity, some floaters and... drumroll please... blurred vision! Yes, thank you, thank you... What? No, it was easy to do! Take a short nap and wake up unable to make out the tree branches outside, and with halos around the letters of the closed captions on the television. Ugh, I hope this is as bad as it gets. Or if I am going to go blind, let's have it in one eye at a time, hm? OH, and I just remembered that I have not blogged something. Phosphenes. Had them Thursday night and last night. Purple and bright green lights--like the afterimpressions of a bright light shining in your eyes. But they happen in the dark, whether my eyes are closed or open. Circles and ovals and stuff. Sometimes just like dimly colored static. Pretty trippy. Too bad I am not into tripping.

-Nerve pain: 3, left leg

Motor:

-Gait: 3

-Sore muscles: 3 mostly, except for 7 during church when my left arm crapped out on me and I tried to force it to cooperate

-Fine motor: 3

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 4, gastrocs, hamstrings--new spot, where they attach to my hip bone. From anatomy stuff online, I would say that my semitondinosus muscle is giving me trouble at both origin and insertion. It is pretty tight right now.

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 2

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 0

General:

-Fatigue: 7/8

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 1, more than eight hours

-Bladder: 2

Grieving: Recognizing my vision problems, the extent of my left-sided weakness, and my sudden exhaustion this afternoon sent me back into tearfulness. I do not know what phase of the grief process that is, but I have been there before. Maybe it is related to anger. I was a little angry yesterday. I do not want to have MS.

Being Happy Now

I was so glad to be well enough to go to church today. My spirit was lifted by the wonderful meetings we had, especially the RS lesson.

Although my left arm crapped out on my during RS! It was just not cooperating, and trying to force it to work was just making it sore. Finally I gave up and signed with my right arm only. That was better for my left, but hard on my right, because I carry more tension when I sign one handed. That one hand needs to be very accurate--no room for sloppiness that can be acceptable with normal, two-handed signing. Yeah, so that stunk, but...

I still enjoyed the lesson so much.

I cried while sharing an experience with my deaf friend (privately, not aloud), but the story was not related to my MS. I think I will share that one on my regular blog.

Still, I have applicable thoughts to MS. One thing that was brought up was the importance of being happy now. This is a touchy subject on the MS forum, because it is easy to have a negative perspective about life or to be discouraged when you have an unpredictable, incurable, degenerative disease.

I certainly get discouraged. I have been very discouraged for the last three days, because I am getting worse again. My eye was hurting during RS, and I am sensitive to light. And having trouble focusing my eyes. And let's not even get into the pain and discomfort of pins and needles or numbness, which is increasing.

But I try to remember that I am probably going to get worse. You would think that would make it worse, but I do not mean that I dwell on the dark days that lie ahead. I mean that by recognizing that things will probably get worse, I can say to myself, this is as good as it gets. Recognize it. Enjoy it.

If things get better, great! I will enjoy that. But I cannot count on things getting better, so I might as well enjoy the things I have or am able to do right now.

I want to check and see if I can play the organ. Honestly, I doubt that I can. I played the piano one day last week, and three or four songs absolutely exhausted me. The organ requires so much more, physically. Balancing on the bench. Coordinating arms and legs--well, more like fingers and feet. Cognitive skills for reading the music. Attention! Sometimes I let my mind wander, and then I lose my place in the music.

However, if I have the ability to play the organ now or in the future, I would like to do it. Use my skills while I have them. I am unfortunately very unreliable, so I do not know if I could have that as a calling. But I could sub. Or work something out with the person who normally plays--she would not mind having help. I suppose that it would exhaust me, and I might not be able to interpret... I guess I would have to see how it goes.

For the last month I have hemmed and hawed, but earlier this week I went ahead and bought (okay, charged) a season pass that works for a few little ski places nearby. I skied once a couple of years ago, and then last year I bought a season pass and went often. I went from struggling on greens to being comfortable on blacks. I did double blacks for a challenge. Steeps, not moguls. It was awesome. And now I am so, so glad that I went often and developed those skills. I love skiing. I mean, LOVE. This year, my goal will be to ski at least on greens or easy blues. If I can ski a regular blue, I will be so happy. If I can ski a black, that would be out of this world. I am going to appreciate anything I can do, and I am going to try to keep any skills that I have for as long as possible.

I learned this lesson a few years ago, when I found an old picture of myself and a baby, who is now eight years old. I remember that time, that I was insecure about my appearance. Looking at that picture now, my goodness, I was so thin! I wasted my thin years with my lack of appreciation. Right now I am 20 pounds above where I was at that time. But I am more than 20 pounds below my highest weight, so I like my current size!

Being happy now requires conscious effort. I think it is all about counting your blessings. When you recognize how much you have, how can you not be happy?

Good Shrink Visit

Today has been kind of rough. I am still down about how poor my health is. I was honestly doing okay this morning, but it got worse in the afternoon and seems to be declining further this evening.

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 5

-Tingles: 2

-Paresthesias (burning): 1

-Paresthesias (other): 1

-Numbness: 2

-Vision: 1, but my eyes hurt today

-Nerve pain: 3

Motor:

-Gait: 3

-Sore muscles: 2--the muscles that are spastic

-Fine motor: 3

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 3, gastrocs, hamstrings

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 1, I think because I am so tired

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 1

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 5 this morning and early afternoon but now 8

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 2, eight hours

-Bladder: 3, two little leaks

Grieving: I finally saw my shrink. Our session today was really good. We set an appointment for next Saturday, which I am happy about!

Sitting Is Hard

I was sort of OK today, but things got worse in the afternoon. Really bad in the evening. Probably because I was sitting a lot.


Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 5, big problems when sitting

-Tingles: 4, left leg, some in left fingertip (pointer finger)

-Paresthesias (burning): 1, front of thigh but now I forget which one

-Paresthesias (other): 1, electricity/prickling upper left sciatic nerve

-Numbness: 5, big problems when sitting, minor otherwise

-Vision: 2, kind of blurry, distracting floaters

-Nerve pain: 5, left leg

Motor:

-Gait: 5, which is because I tried to wear heels. Small heels--maybe an inch or less. Oh my goodness. Painful pins and needles, and I ended up walking laboriously. But I was walking kind of slowly before that. My right leg is stiff.

-Sore muscles: 1

-Fine motor: 3, I had trouble tying things

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 2, mostly gastrocs

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 0

-Memory: 0

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 5, but I did a lot

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 2, eight hours

-Bladder: 4, little leaks six times today

Grieving: I got teary-eyed tonight in the temple when I had difficulty tying things. I could not believe how much harder it was than a month ago. But I did not want to cry at that moment, so I really sucked it in. Almost lost it again--tears did spill. However, I did not really break down. That was what I was trying to avoid. I was afraid that if I began, I would not stop.

More Tests

Oh brother. I really wish that my Dr. Harry had had my file for my appointment two days ago. He has it now, and a couple of things were missed. 

He saw that I have not been tested for copper deficiency and neuromyelitis optica, which he called NMO. I had not heard of that. I was starting to think that was nice, that maybe I have this NMO thing and not MS... until I googled it and realized that NMO is Devic's! Out of the frying pan and into the fire. 

So I have to have blood tests for those two things. Darn, wish they would have drawn a few extra tubes when I was there two days ago. He had me get my Vitamin D, Calcium, and something else checked. 

The other thing I need to do is get another MRI of my spine. The image quality was too poor due to magnet strength. He wants me to go to the place that has a 3T machine. 

He said that if my copper and NMO tests are normal, he is comfortable with an MS diagnosis. But they need to be ruled out. 

I am glad that he is thinking for himself and not just accepting the MS diagnosis given to me by Dr. Gabby. It stinks that treatment will be delayed for a couple more weeks because of this, but that is not long in the grand scheme of things. 

Meanwhile, my left leg is getting worse. I am losing sensation in it frequently--it goes numb when I am sitting. And for the first time (and second and third time, lol) I had a bit of bladder leakage. Not cool. 

At least my brain is better. When I realized I could once again hold a 10-digit phone number in working memory, I about fell over. Hopefully my brain is on the road to recovery, and this is not just an "MS ups and downs" tease. Nevertheless, I will take the good where it comes.

Clinical Trials

I spoke with Dr. Rick about the clinical trials. It seems Dr. Harry did not have it quite right.

Well, he was right about the Estriol trial. Everyone will get Copaxone, and half of the people will also get Estriol. This study is associated with very low risks. Estriol has been used by hundreds of thousands of women and has side effects similar to birth control. The down sides to this study are just the down sides of Copaxone: injection site reactions and tissue hardening or breakdown.

The daclizumab study is also half and half. Half of the participants will get Avonex, and half will get daclizumab.

Both are double blind, meaning that the participants and the treating doctor do not know who is taking which medication.

And both of them are for about two years, possibly three. With all medical care included. Yes, that means the neurologist visits, any blood tests required, the MRIs, and the astronomically expensive drugs Copaxone and Avonex.

Wow!

I am leaning toward the daclizumab study.

Heard From Clinical Trials Neuro

I had a really good day today! I had more energy at work. I did run out of steam, but I am still happy with everything I was able to do today.

I already heard from Dr. Rick at the MS Center, the neurologist who is running the clinical trials. Unfortunately, I missed the call, because I was working. I will call him tomorrow. I am dumbfounded that Dr. Harry did exactly what he said he would do (telling Dr. Rick to contact me about studies)--that is unusual for a neurologist, in my experience!

Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 4, big problems when sitting. Less problems otherwise.

-Tingles: 1

-Paresthesias (burning): 1, left foot

-Paresthesias (other): 1, electricity/prickling upper left sciatic nerve

-Numbness: 3, problems when sitting, minor otherwise

-Vision: 2, kind of blurry

-Nerve pain: 1

Motor:

-Gait: 3, slow and weird. I think I am dragging my right foot. I think this because the MS neuro said, "How long have you been dragging your right foot?" I thought there was something wrong with my left foot...

-Sore muscles: 0

-Fine motor: 3, I had trouble doing crafts at a ladies night tonight

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 2, mostly gastrocs

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 1

-Memory: 1

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 4

-Balance: 2

-Sleep: 3, close to eight hours

-Bladder: 2

A Good Day

Aside from anxiety about the doctor appointment, I had a really good day.


Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 4, right calf and foot, left foot, and other places on my lower limbs when sitting

-Tingles: 0? Didn't pay attention

-Paresthesias (burning): 2, left foot

-Paresthesias (other): 0

-Numbness: 3

-Vision: 1, floaters, focusing--totally forgot to mention that light night (or the night before?) I saw the weird, closing-off light footballs again. From what someone else on the MS forum said, they are called phosphenes. And I am annoyed to find out that they happen with optic neuritis. Too bad my [FORMER] ophthalmologist did not believe me about them before, hm?

-Nerve pain: 2, left leg and foot

Motor:

-Gait: 3, slow and weird. I think I am dragging my right foot. I think this because the MS neuro said, "How long have you been dragging your right foot?" I thought there was something wrong with my left foot...

-Sore muscles: 2

-Fine motor: 3

-Weak muscles: 5, especially my poor left leg

-Spasticity: 2

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 2

-Memory: 2

-Attention: 1

-Confusion: 1

General:

-Fatigue: 4

-Balance: 3

-Sleep: 3, close to eight hours

-Bladder: 3

MS Center Visit

Today I saw a neurologist at a world-renowned MS Center. So fortunate that it is less than an hour from me! I will call him Dr. Harry.


I was pretty nervous right before the appointment. Like "about to play the organ in stake conference, jelly-legs" nervous. I was considering whether he might be nice... might be rude... might be Aspergery (which I am fine with)... might say it is in my head... might be ready to put me on a DMD tomorrow... 

What I was NOT ready for was that he would know nothing about me when I came in! It probably worked in my favor, given what my other neuros might have put in my file, lol. 

Apparently my paperwork and MRI discs were misplaced. Maybe because my original appointment was with a different doc, and I was switched to this one to get me in earlier (a 6-week wait was considered fast tracking). 

So I had to tell Dr. Harry everything from the beginning. He examined me--I would not say that it was the most in-depth ever. But it covered all the bases. 

I think he is not the kind of guy who is going to hold your hand or consider your feelings, but not because he does not care--because it does not occur to him that you have feelings. Spectrumy. Totally flat affect. I am cool with that, if he is a good doctor. 

He did not tell me anything that he saw or thought until I asked... So... What did you see in my eyes? Oh, bilateral pallor. Well, thanks for telling me! 

We will have a talk about that next time, if it happens again. 

Dr. Harry saw the same stuff as my internist, Dr. Rob: left sided weakness, balance issues, sensory stuff. Nice to have that corroboration when Dr. Harry had not seen the Dr. Rob's report. 

Dr. Harry wants to look at my MRIs and then get back to me. He did not seem deterred by the fact that my CSF was negative (which I told him--again, he did not have my packet). I asked if I need to have another MRI of my spine, since the first one was on a machine too weak to find lesions. He said possibly not, that my brain MRI might be enough. He can treat the symptoms of spine lesions without seeing them. 

He was ready to be done then, but I let him know that I had waited a long time for this appointment, and it was kind of not my fault that someone misplaced my packet. Let's talk DMDs.

Dr. Harry is a fan of the CRABs (Copaxone, Rebif, Avonex, Betaseron--all older MS drugs) for their safety record. They are not going to kill anybody. He tried to steer me away from Gilenya or Tysabri but would consider them if I really, really wanted them. We talked about the pros and cons of the different drugs. Here is a website briefly describing these drugs. 


My take... The CRABs have been shown to reduce the chance of developing new MS lesions by about 30%. Whoop-de-doo. Gilenya and Tysabri, which have been around a year or two each, may reduce the chance of developing new MS lesions by about 70%. Um, hello, no brainer? Well, Gilenya makes you more susceptible to infection, because it suppresses the immune system, while Tysabri might give you a fatal brain infection. But it is a really small chance.
Dr. Harry said I might be a candidate for two clinical trials another doctor there is conducting. 

One is where some people get Copaxone and Estriol, while others get Copaxone and a placebo. 

The other trial is for a new drug similar to Tysabri but apparently safer. In this trial, some people get Avonex and a once-weekly injectable drug that ends with -mab. I forget which one. I looked on their website, and they are trialing rituximab, ocrelizumab, and daclizumab--I think he mentioned daclizumab to me? Anyway, the control group will get Avonex and a placebo injection. 

He put in for the secretary of the doctor doing the clinical trials to call me. And he will let me know what he thinks of my MRIs, the bloodwork he ordered, and the urine test. Checking out D and calcium stuff. 

I went into this kind of down on the CRABs and thinking I wanted Tysabri. But now I think I want to be involved in one of the drug trials. It sure is nice to have options, but deciding what to do is difficult. 

Dr. Harry is supposed to call me next week with the results of the blood, urine, and MRI review. You had better believe I will be on the phone if I do not hear from him!

Nervous and Excited for Tomorrow

I getting pretty nervous for my appointment tomorrow. Nervous and excited. One of my online friends encouraged me to temper my hope, given how often doctors are frankly horrible to us. Well, that made me more nervous than excited. I really hope it goes well. It takes so long to get appointments... and it is so discouraging when doctors say it is in my head or I am exaggerating... meanwhile, I am not getting better.


However, I felt generally crappy all morning and most of the afternoon. "Coming down with something" crappy. But then it mysteriously vanished around 4:00. Go figure--usually evenings are worse! This feeling was not my usual tiredness, etc. I was even a little nauseated on and off.


Sensory:

-Pins and needles: 3, any place that has even a little pressure. Butt, left upper back thigh, right upper calf, left lower calf

-Tingles: 1 right middle finger, left upper calf--seriously so random

-Paresthesias (burning): 2, left foot--oops, went too long between pills. And some in my left butt (sciatic nerve). :(

-Paresthesias (other): 0

-Numbness: 2, nothing new

-Vision: 1, floaters, focusing

-Nerve pain: 3, left leg as always

Motor:

-Gait: 3, slow and stiff. Going down stairs was tough.

-Sore muscles: 8 this morning for quads, 5 this afternoon and evening. Thank goodness, maybe it is getting better.

-Fine motor: 2

-Weak muscles: 5

-Spasticity: 7 for quads, 2 for gastrocs

Cognitive:

-Language processing: 1

-Memory: 2

-Attention: 0

-Confusion: 2

General:

-Fatigue: 8, then down to 5

-Balance: 3

-Sleep: 3, close to eight hours

-Bladder: 1

Grieving: See previous post, lol.

MS Makes Me a Crappy Friend

A friend of mine is struggling with one of her kids. I had told her last week that I wanted to get together this week, and she emailed me back to ask if Tuesday or Wednesday would be better. That questions was confusing to me. I understood it. But I did not know how to answer it.

First I had to think: days of the week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. What do I do? I have something on Wednesday afternoon. But that does not mean that all of Wednesday is out. I will have to shift the things I normally do on Wednesday to other days... And that was where my mental train went off the tracks. My thoughts just disintegrated. I tried several times, over several days, to answer that question. But it was like a complicated logic problem.

If all sniffs are ifs, but no ifs are whiffs, and some sniffs are ifs, and some sniff are biffs, but no whiffs are biffs and...

I knew that I needed to answer this friend's email, but I did not. Three days went by. Then I had a moment of clarity and realized that I could absolutely see her on Tuesday. I did not know why that was not apparent before. And I realized that I should have given her some answer, just to let her know that I wanted to see her and was aware that I needed to tell her when. I realized that I could have used my calendar or a pencil and paper to figure it out.

So I emailed the friend and told her when on Tuesday would work for me. This was Monday afternoon, I think. She responded that she was no longer available on Tuesday.

I felt like a terrible friend. How would I feel if someone knew I was going through a rough time, said they were coming over to hang out and maybe help, and then ignored my email for three days?

One of my best friends had a birthday yesterday. We celebrated on Sunday with a few people. I remembered to tell her happy birthday yesterday morning, which I hailed as a major achievement.

When I got home from work, I immediately changed into pajamas and came downstairs to veg on the couch, as usual. My friend looked at what I was wearing and said, "Oh, I guess we're not going anywhere?" Of course, she wanted to go out for her birthday, just us! I offered to go somewhere with her (and did not mention the excruciating pain in my legs), but she said no, I was obviously too tired. We could go out another time.

I do not know why anyone would want to be friends with me right now. I am seriously a crappy friend. Even if I remember to call or email or meet someone, I am usually too tired to do anything fun. I am such a downer these days.

I really want to be a good friend, but I cannot. I feel like I just take and take, without giving back. This is the opposite of how I normally operate. It is so frustrating.