Thrust In Your Sickle

When I have not blogged in a while, it usually means things are really good or really bad. Things are not good.

Let us discuss death. Just entertain the idea. It sounds so good. The problem is that there is no fool-proof method. Chances are good that I would end up hurt but not dead. I already know that situation sucks.

I contacted my doctor and nurse last Wednesday to let them know that I have suicidal ideations, as my shrink advised. On Friday, Alyssa emailed to say that she was sick with pneumonia and hoped Dr. Rick had contacted me, that she hoped to be well enough to return to work Monday. Basically I told her whatever. What if you felt that way every day and had to work anyway? Maybe it was not fair, but I am having trouble feeling sympathy for normal people who get sick. They are sick temporarily, and there is no way it is as painful as my everyday pain. Whatever, I have anger issues lately. I blame it on the grieving process. It has been a year, and I have felt denial, bargaining, depression, and sometimes even acceptance, but this is the first time I have felt anger.

Alyssa called later on Friday and left me a message that she had sent several messages to Dr. Rick, and that she understands that I am dealing with a lot. Dr. Rick called and said to increase my tramadol to 50 mg (it already is! he seemed to think 25 mg), and he offered Cymbalta. Basically he said have a good weekend.

Ugh, yes, he called right before he left for the day. And I missed his message by minutes. Figures! Today Alyssa followed up with me. She said how she is worried about me, that I am not doing well, that she and Dr. Rick discuss me. I wanted to say That is nice, but it does not change anything for me. Alyssa tried to figure out how serious I am about dying and if I have a plan. And she called in my Cymbalta prescription (which turned out to be unreasonably expensive, just like Ambien CR).

Alyssa said that if the pain is bad enough to die, I should go to an ER. They could admit me and get the pain and "mood" under control. What do I look like, a sucker? An ER is not going to help unless you have a bone sticking out somewhere. Besides, pain and psych admissions sound like a great way to ruin a career. Maybe I would consider it for pain--I had never thought of that before. Hospitals are for really sick people, not me. But I think maybe I am really sick. However, I would never go to an ER if I wanted to kill myself. Duh, suicidal people do not want help. Going to an ER saying that you want to kill yourself is probably attention-seeking behavior.

Ah, here is something different: for the last two days, my left ear sounds crackly when my eustachian tubes open. (Yes, I know when my eustachian tubes open.. because I am that nerdy.) But it does not hurt. I suppose that I have fluid in my middle ear, but it is not infected. I do not think it is affecting the rest of my health, because my pain has actually been better the last four days. It is down to 7-8 a lot of the time. Right, that is a reduction!

Seriously, the thought of tomorrow is too much sometimes.