Why?

I started thinking today during church... Why is this happening to me? What am I supposed to learn from it?

I have this hope that when I learn whatever it is that I'm supposed to learn, this trial will be over. So far, I am learning that I need to take things slower. I need to have faith that I'll be able to earn enough money to support myself even if I don't put in crazy hours. That's hard! I don't have anyone to fall back on if I can't support myself.

Maybe I need to learn what it feels like to have a disability, since I work with people who have disabilities.

Maybe I need to learn that slow doesn't mean lazy or stupid.

I need to think about this more.

Maybe the learning will come after the trial is over. I remember when I moved into an apartment with bed bugs, that it was such a nightmare. Months of the nightmare, and then months of healing from the psychological damage. Seriously, psychological damage! Well, after the bed bugs were gone, really gone, the feeling of relief was indescribably delicious. My home felt clean, and I appreciated that feeling.

Maybe after I'm well, I will appreciate the strength I have. It's been long enough now since I was strong, that I miss it. I remember being able to run and lift things and go go go all day. With moving and unpacking, being unable to lift heavy things has been something that I am acutely conscious of. Normally I am much stronger physically than my roommate, but right now she is much stronger than me. That comparison brings into perspective how much I've lost. Hopefully not forever.