Nuvigil Trial, and Not Suicidal

Although I had a bad reaction to Nuvigil last year, I got permission from my neurologist to try half a pill today. My fatigue is just out of control. Nuvigil is basically legal speed. Kind of like Ritalin, I guess. Well, I did not have a bad reaction to Nuvigil today. I am not sure it even worked. Maybe I should check the expiration date. It is a sample pack that nutty Dr. Gabby gave me a year ago.

I had a so-so morning. Not good but not terrible. However, I was sitting down giving tests most of the morning, and I was in my own classroom.

I got worse toward the end of the morning and continued to decline all afternoon. At one point I stood and talked to a colleague for about 10 minutes, and I seriously felt like I might pass out. I was dizzy, had occasional waves vertigo, even some nausea in the afternoon. I have rarely had problems with nausea with my MS fatigue, but I know others do. That was not fun. But vertigo is worse.

My left foot is worse today.

When I had to go up to the office toward the end of the day and meet with my boss, I guess I used up all of my energy to walk normally and explain things to her. After that, I was pretty well spent. It is hard to describe how poorly I felt. Feel. I have only been home for 30 minutes, so I am not even close to recovering. Still feels like my head might fall off.

I am so frustrated. There are many things I enjoy and want to do, but I cannot do them. Being sick every day is horrible. MS fatigue is horrible. I had no idea a body could feel this way--and I have had gallbladder attacks and kidney stones. MS fatigue is worse. At least the gallbladder attack eventually ends, and the kidney stone eventually passes. This MS thing is not going away, and it is getting worse, not better.

We work every day to eat, be clothed, buy things we want, have a home, etc. It is worth spending many hours each week doing something we do not want to do (generally speaking) in order to do things you want to do sometimes. On the weekends. In the evenings. Everyone has to decide how much "not fun" is worth "fun." Some people want to work just enough to have a modest home and stay mostly out of debt. Others are willing to work 80-hour weeks to have a nicer house or drive a fancy car. The cost-benefit analysis is a personal thing.

I wonder whether it is worth living this way, only feeling alright occasionally. And rarely, so rarely, feeling good. If I thought this is it, that life ends with death, I would think that it is probably worth it. Maybe. But I already have my calling for the spirit world, and it sounds great--a whole lot better than what I have going on here.

I am not suicidal; I just want to die.